This Goofy Gun: The Vampire Hunter’s Colt Detective Special
Tom McHale 09.10.13
Thanks to the miracle of Blu-ray, we know a lot about vampires. They kill with good looks, are notoriously hard to make re-dead, and they never seem to know when to stop making sequels. With vrykolakas outbreaks on the rise, how does one prepare to defend self and family? The Robert E. Peterson Gallery of the NRA’s National Firearms Museum just might have the perfect solution.
The Vampire Hunter’s Colt Detective Special would make Buffy proud. It’s hard to argue with the .38 Special six-shot revolver choice when supernatural reliability is required. Used by law enforcement and enthusiasts since its introduction in 1927, the classic wheel gun has a proven track record that’s hard to match—against humans that is. When it comes to fighting the undead, certain upgrades are required, unless the user wants to obtain a thirst for blood and unwanted immortality. Let’s take a look at what the Vampire Hunter’s Colt ensemble includes. We’ll evaluate and score each feature for real-world vampire stopping effectiveness, so you an make an informed evaluation. You’re not just betting your life on this gun, but your afterlife as well.
Since all the really bad vampires were killed off in the last Twilight saga movie, we weren’t able to complete field trials for this article. You’ll just have to settle for our expert opinion. No worries though, our qualifications are beyond reproach—we watched Twilight, New Moon, and The Lost Boys in preparation for this project.
The entire gun is plated with silver. All of it. Even the inside of the chambers. I like this design decision as the revolver can be used as a club for last-ditch defense. While that won’t re-kill a dedicated vampire, the silver-coated beating will provide a level of aggravation. Nine out of 10.
Since a silver-lined barrel won’t stay silver-lined for very many shots, sterling silver bullets are included. But these are nothing so tame as the Lone Ranger, round-nose variety. Each one is carved with a vampire head. You’ll notice the jaws are open, so when your slug impacts that really good-looking bloodsucker, the bullet will compress, close the jaws, and bite him back! We’re giving the bullets high marks for creativity, even though they cost their weight in…silver. Another nine out of 10.
A crucifix is engraved on the muzzle! Think about this for a second. While you’re getting a good sight picture, your pushing a fully-loaded crucifix towards the Count’s offspring. In the event of unplanned close encounters, this can create the distance you need to get off a good shot. This feature has layers of tactical value. This earns it a full 10 out of 10.
The Vampire Hunter features full engraving. Everywhere. And it screams attitude. Even the Colt logo has been customized so the famous Colt dances on top of an open coffin. When Michael Johnson wore gold track shoes at the 1996 Olympics, the shoe color didn’t help him run faster, but it communicated an air of invincibility. Same with the engraving here. Points for style only, that gets it a six out of 10.
Vampires are universally good-looking, so as an added precaution against a natural hesitancy to fire, the kit includes a mirror for fail-safe vampire identification. Undead or not, you still want to follow gun safety rule number four—be sure of your target and what’s behind it. This gets an eight out of 10.
Nothing racks up effectiveness points like proven street performance. This gun has been used twice to good effect, and I can prove it. Rather than notches, the Vampire Hunter’s Colt features two sterling silver bats embedded into the grip, indicating two successful undead re-deadings. That’s a perfect 10 in my book.
Once you invite a vampire into your home, they can return at will. What if you’re visited while the gun is unloaded? Worse yet, what if you have the Colt disassembled for cleaning? Enter the dual-purpose cleaning rod. Sure you can attach a brush or cleaning jag. You can also attach the provided wooden stake. And we all know what that’s for. This feature also comes in handy for seven-vampire scenarios. Dispatch six with the bullets in the cylinder and one more with a good, old-fashioned staking. Definitely a nine out of 10.
Esteemed self-defense trainer Clint Smith is fond of saying “two is one, and one is none,” meaning that redundancy can save your afterlife. The Count-killing Colt also includes a—silver of course—vial of Holy Water. You can never be too prepared. Seven out of 10 for an additional backup plan.
The entire kit is encased in a wooden, coffin shaped box. I believe this might actually attract vampires as a nice, comfy place to take a nap, so this feature will have to get a low tactical effectiveness score. One out of 10.
Unfortunately, this ultimate undead bat killing bug out kit is not available for sale. But you can see it at the NRA National Firearms Museum. If you aren’t planning to be in the Washington, D.C. area, no worries—the museum’s website is fantastic. It’s filled with ultra-high quality photos that allow views of the collections in exquisite detail.
